uummmmm.......stuff about me...?

collage creatures: puddle bird

2007-03-02T16:06:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: few random ones

2007-03-02T15:55:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: hat or hair?

2007-03-02T15:53:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: sad

2007-03-02T15:49:00.000-08:00

i realized after making this that this is the only Asian-Amerian eye i have found and i used it on the only sad face i have made. i realized that i want to make my collage creatures more ethnically diverse, which means putting work into finding mags that feature more than just white people. and i intend to make sure i create happy creatures that have aisan/ asian american features.

collage creatures: room

2007-03-02T15:34:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: flower with hat

2007-03-02T15:32:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: sleeping under a shade tree

2007-03-02T15:30:00.000-08:00

this is still in progress...

collage creatures: bugg-eyed

2007-03-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: pink and crystal

2007-03-02T15:26:00.000-08:00

she's been waiting for an arm and a landscape to fly over for a while. lol

collage creatures: mischevious

2007-03-02T15:24:00.000-08:00

my other, other favorite, lol

collage creatures: flower

2007-03-02T15:22:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: beasts of burden

2007-03-02T15:12:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: happy feet

2007-03-02T15:08:00.000-08:00

my other favorite!

collage creatures: kitchenware

2007-03-02T15:01:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: country girl

2007-03-02T14:55:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: runway

2007-03-02T14:36:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: hiding

2007-03-02T14:35:00.000-08:00

this is oe of my favorites. the environment just came together! since then i have been trying, unsuccessfully, to "force" the others to fit into habitats, lol.

collage creatures: ice queen

2007-03-02T14:34:00.001-08:00

collage creatures: wings

2007-03-02T14:33:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: white

2007-03-02T14:32:00.000-08:00

collage creatures: tall hair

2007-03-02T14:30:00.000-08:00

i am trying to create environments for them to "live" in. sometimes i think they look weird on a flat white background. dont think this one is a keeper.

collage creatures: the ham fairy

2007-03-02T14:29:00.000-08:00

"homage to leanne as a child"

2007-03-02T14:28:00.002-08:00

collage journal entry

care

2007-03-02T14:28:00.001-08:00

collage journal entry

my body!

2007-03-02T14:26:00.000-08:00

lol. a collage from my collage journal. i was doing a collage a week as a journal entry.

beauty

2007-03-02T14:11:00.000-08:00

what you came to find

2007-03-02T14:00:00.000-08:00

i would like to share with you!!!

heart and home

2007-03-02T13:50:00.000-08:00

i would like to share with you!!
for now i am calling this "heart and home"
i need to find an ST for the RENGTH, lol

if i had a million dollars

2006-07-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

i'd buy you a green dress. *but not a real green dress that's cruel.*

speaking of cruelty, how unfair that in my quest to heal my bloodied and broken spirit i would keep encountering and reencountering the problem of scale. in order to effectively do the work, you have to micro-problem solve but then you get done with a problem and you stand back and everyone's moved on, graduated, engaged..... and you're stuck with your big accomplishemnt being that you are slightly more confident in asking for help. help you *shouldnt* need at your age. *sigh*
in the micro-managing you have to focus only on what is in front of you and then when it it gone you get all disoriented and realize you forgot to plan what you were going to do AFTER you dealt with somw issue. it's like the letdown of enacting revenge,....i imagine, lol. so many years obsessing and plotting, and stalking, and plotting and then if you do it............"well what the heck am i supposed to do now?!!" the think you LIVED for is gone? now what do i live for?
what do i live for?
what do i live for?
what do i live for?

not fair. i did the work, i shouldnt have to keep having to.....live. i should be done now! i thought i'd ge to some plateau and have life just all fall into place, and be great and now it's just more of the same, the same, same, same, not easier, not more fun, not anything!!!

ilovemynose.com

2006-06-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

ok, i'm gonna do it! i'm gonna create ilovemynose.com !!! hehehe, people can send in pics of their noses! maybe we'll have nose games ad stats about plastic surgery, and links to anti-surgery sites/orgs and places to boycott. maybe ilovemynose merchandise! like t-shirts and necklaces, hehe. it could even sprawl into an ilovemyeyes.com. that could be cool! now to find out A) where to host the site ad B) who can design it for me?????

i want to do it riiiiiiight nooooooow, lol, i dont want to have to wait to find some one who does webdesign :(

well maybe i'll start making a poster to put up around campus...

i'm not overreacting

2006-06-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

The little voice in my head that tells me to “shut up and conform” or “don’t rock the boat!” is telling me that I’m making a bit deal out of this, but I know that I am not MAKING it a big deal I am simply acknowledging its inherent size. Thriftyfun.com has condoned telling people that they look WRONG because they have a certain shaped nose. and someone needs to speak up for all the offended noses And their owners!

my request of thriftyfun.com

2006-06-18T15:15:00.000-07:00

Post a Request
You can preview your request below. If your request is complete, click the Submit Now button.
Need to make changes? Click here to edit your request.

Subject: Other / Miscellaneous
Your Name:
This will be used with your post. Your first name or a nickname is fine. leanne
Your Location:
Example: Seattle, WA oakland, ca
Zipcode:
Example: 98366 94610
Your Email:
Your email will ONLY be used to notify you that you request has been posted. It will not be made public. askaboutrpickles@gmail.com
Hardiness Zone:
What is your Gardening zone?
Your Request:
Please be specific and provide as much information as possible regarding your request. i would like to request that the add for plastic surgery be removed from this site. Dr. Slupchynskyj's site offers people with "ethnic" features the opportunity to conform to a status quo that is based on long standing racist ideals. i really like this site but i cant stand having to look at his before/after pics, and since they are too large to ignore i wont be coming back to this site. it is too painful. it feels like yet another reminder that how i, and other minorities look is considered unacceptable. i suppose i probably will come back to see if his adds are no longer aceptable here, which would fill me with a sense of optimism and hope for humanity. :)

Dr. Slupchynskyj: profiting off racism

2006-06-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

http://www.africanamericanrhinoplasty.com/index.htm

The fact that you make a living making african americans look more caucasion breaks my heart. i am saddened and appalled that you have chosen to profit off long standing racist ideals. People claim that they didn't make the rules they just provide a service that people want. But that is a lie. Everyone is responsible for creating the world we live in. You create this world, and i hope you have the integrity to acknowledge that.

the prodigal daughter returns

2006-02-08T18:52:00.000-08:00

lol, so i find myself alone in a new place and sucumbing to the lonliness that is forever nipping at my heels. *sigh* It is sad how often i seem to find myself here; this desolate, barren place. I have 3 friends at the moment

1) Adrian:
upside: we both have a penchant for ridiculous, random, impromptu, monty python-like antics. He is artsy like me. he doesnt seem to pretend not to have feelings.
downside: i have never actually met him. ridiculous. i am such a loser. i've tried to get him to do any of the hilarious things we say "oh man we HAVE to do that!" to but he is either a liar or ridiculously busy. either way it sucks for me.

2) Stephanie:
upside: we have every unimportant thing in common. Same taste in music, same love for a random comedian, same class schedule, lol, same choice of computer, artsy, .....and i a million more things that i cant remember (cause they are little stupid things) and we discover at least 3 more per day! it's truely odd.
downside: dont see her outside of school. I try but it doesnt happen.

3) john
Upside: awesome guy! artsy, laid back, quirky in a fun, laid back kinda way.
downside: hasnt called me back in a week or two. now i know he is bad at calling people back, but a girl starts to think perhaps there was a hint that she didnt get. but that cant be it, i do really think he is just really busy + not good at returning phone calls. but none the less i feel unwanted.

unwanted, unwanted, unwanted...... that hit a nerve.

i have watched every DVD i have so many times that i have started watching the movie or show with the director commentarys on (and they are booooring comentaries, lol) but it is nice to feel even the smallest, pretend presence of another being in the room with me. So then i say "well i should go somewhere." but where to do what? i decided on the book store but being in a huge store of people who i cant/wont talk to isnt going to help! AND i'll spend a crap-load of money of books! so i stayed here and cried, which was quite relieving. lol, but none the less, i remain lonley. And i have "wasted" so much energy on the 3 above JERKS! (i'll apologise later) that i dont feel like i have the energy to be happy-friend-making-Leanne, cause i am depressed-need-a-friend-to-care-about-me-Leanne. And i had wanted to apply to the big brothers/big sisters program now that i know i can commit 1 year to a kid but in this state of deprivation i fear i will end up being dependent on some poor little kid to take the place of a whole group of friends, and that is waaaay to unhealthy for me. even at my lowest. But on the other hand i always feel better when i have someone/something to love and nurture. Be it a pet or a little kid. So it might provide the connection i need in my life but not in an unhealthy way, i dont know. that's what Mary Ruth is for, lol, to tell me what i should do.

And i dont have a couch. no where to flop when the day seems long. no where to flop and feel comfy and supported. so i cant even do crafty things very comfortably. That is if i could get to them anyway, lol, under all those boxes. Art usually calms me down but i feel to frustrated and eager to get-a-life to want to sit and do something ALONE. wow, i dont think in the month of moving and settling i have dont ANY art. no wonder i am cranky, lol. but i dont want to express my feelings to yarn or glue or paint or whatever, i just want some friends! how is this always such an impossible task?! *sigh*

and breath
just breath
oh oh breathe
just breath

man my back is in so many knots i am in constant pain. my neck is killing me. and i'm almost desperate enough to reply to the scum bags on CL offering massages cause they just like to help women out, yeah right, Jerks! but desperation makes the danger seem less inportant. They've done studies about the human need for touch. You grow and develope with it and wither without it. But like i needed studies to tell me that! lol, sheesh, i could have told them that. man, i'd kill for a puppy. lol, that sounds odd put together like that. killing and puppies so close together, lol.

thanks, and i'd like to send a shout-out to my bro anthony! this one's for you, kid!

my cyborg name

2005-09-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

black people love us!

2005-09-11T20:50:00.000-07:00

so here is my testimonial for http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/

When i found out that Whitman College (the school i was attending) had racist admissions policies, Sally and Johnny comforted me by constantly reminding me that they didn't think it was that big an issue. The kept me grounded in reality by reminding me, whenever i said i was feeling hurt, that i was just "over-reacting" the way "you people always do." Without their counsel, i might have said something and become the kind of black person that people don't like. But thanks to Sally and Johnny, i never said a word! Without their very verbal support, i don't know where I'd be today!
~Leanne

NOTES for letter to Summit

2005-09-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

I write this letter to you in the hope that it will help you to see a perspective that you may not be able to see. I hope to write this not as a tool of hate or vengence but i tool of love and enlightenment. I routinely tell God that i want him to use me to fight injustice against whoever it may strike, but i find it particularly difficult to speak up when i am the one who has been hurt. But after much prayer with The Lord my God over many months, i am confident he wants me to say these things to you; that you may come to better love and appreciate your fellow brothers and sisters on this planet, and subsequently Him.

I will start out with a prayer: Lord i pray that you would give me strength to say these words with love for the benefit of those at Summit and not for their losss. i am certainly not with out sin, so i pray lord that you keep me humble. i have no right to throw stones. i pray for open hearts and minds among your children at Summit to hear the things i say and react with humility and concern rather than defensiveness, and anger, because they know that ultimately you LOVE them. You wove them in their mother's womb knowing every action they would take and every word they would utter and still You were SO moved with love that you crafted each of them by hand. I pray lord for unity where there could be discord and alienation, and love where there could be pain and anger. In your beautiful Son's name i pray. Hallalujah.

I am writing this letter to you to explain why i wll no longer be coming to Summit. I feel that i made a commitment this summer to report back about what had happened if i chosae to leave the room during a discussion. But more importantly i write this letter because God wants me to. And if this letter does nothing for you, it has at least shown me that God wants me to stand up for myself, as i do for others who are not present, or are too weak to stand up for themselves. I am no longer too weak.

The thing i find most hurtful about my experiences at Summit has not been the hurtful things that were said, but the commitment to keeping in tact an atmosphere of intolerance. I imagine you will take offense to this but i have related stories to well respected friends and family and they have used much stronger words than i would have dared.

(note: i am not claiming that i am perfect and have never teased anyone. Like i said earlier i am not claiming to be without sin, but i cant use my imperfections as an excuse to avoid God's call to confront this issue.) Teasing is a problem in the Summit community.Wether it be teasing "Midgets," "women who dont shave their armpits," "homosaexuals," "Asian customers," "people who protest violence," "people who protest anything," "Liberals," "people who believe in demons more literally than you do," "The mentally or physically challenged," (to name some the people or groups i have heard teased) the problem lies not just in alienating people who are members of those groups but it creats an atmopshere that does not feel safe. And, as i am seeing in the reactions of those i talk to, it is not not acceptable behavior among the secular or religious. I know that Summit has not been a place that i feel safe and i know specifically that at least one other person has left summit for the same reason(s). If that is why people, other than we 2, have left i cannot say for sure, but given our experience i suspect that may be a cause. This is particularly disturbing because Summit has SO MUCH to offer! I have seen in this group a dedication to God, and passion for seeing his will be done. And to think that this one blindspot may lose you valuable members and friends, is very upsetting.

I think one large problem you face is the homogenous and complacient area in which you live. But as a few people have said that means you have to be all the more vigilant, and concentrate that much harder on keeping yourselves from falling into that trap.

Side note: The people i have talked with about my experiences have been mostly white. I hope you will not assume that i am quoting you things from "angry black people who see racism everywhere." I and i hope you will not think that i am writing this in retaliation over the "black jokes" incident at camp. I have been unhappy at Summit since, laughably, i first arrived. But God had may good things to teach me thru you and i am thankful to you for that.

I have assumed that the reason nothing has changed over the months since i started coming to summit is because of me. If only i had articulated my feelings better, more clearly, more often!.... But Jesus jumps in to remind me of the times we talked about sharing our faith with non-believers. No matter how well we tell our story, we concluded, it is out of our hands. It is up to Jesus to change their hearts and up to them to let Him. I did the best i could. My fear of your response made my attemps at communicating my discomfort and alienation less articulate and less frequent than they could have been. But my fear stemmed from a very real possibility: a reaction of anger. (anger born of defensiveness. defensivness which appears when we are ashamed or afraid of the accuser reacting in anger. crappy cycle, yes?) So my fear got in the way but according to us Jesus can use the sloppiest, fumbling testimony to reach others, lol, so i have faith. I could have initiated more. Many of you, i imagine, will be surprised to hear that i was not happy at Summit, and i assure you i did have a lot of fun! But my silence was due, largely to your apparent inability, unwillinglness to hear what i had to say and react in a way that would eventually bring unity rather than more alienation. And, if i am wrong in my assessment of you i am truely sorry, and i will owe you a large apology. But as i say, the atmosphere i witnessed gave me little indication that you were open to hearing what i had to say. I would be too easy a target for teasing. And, knowing how much teasing Summit engages in, i had no reason to believe that you would react differently than how you normally do.

I would have hoped that when i spoke up about my discomfort it would spark a discussion. Since obviously i was feeling something that you didnt understand. Since had you also felt something was hurtful you wouldnt have said it. Therefore we were not in tune with each other in a way that, being the body of christ, it would be beneficial to be. Usually i was met with a "sorry you feel/have felt that way " that i do believe was sincere. i do. But the lack of follow up....my guess is fear is the culprit here as well. It is horrible to have your concerptin of reality come crashing down and i think that is what i have offored you in my presence at Summit. I have offored a perspective that would be painful to hear, diffucult to accept, and much work to incorporate into your world view. But through it, i offored you a way to grow closer to your most cherished Friend. I am possibly one of the most un-angry black people you have access to. The number of times i have argued against the injustices white americans face, or white men specifically, in this country is rather amusing. Of all the african americans you will meet i dont know how many are as willing or as able to see how difficult it can be for you. I may have helped more white people cope with the strain of "white guilt" tha you have, lol. Or reassured a room that i understand the pressure not to say the "wrong thing" and offend someone who may react with generations of anger. God, much to my initial annoyance and opposition, has put me here to help ease the tenstions of racial discord in this country. Some say that us bi-racial children are to be the bridge builders between cultures. I dont know how that works, but i do know that God has gifted me with an ability/desire to empathize that is too strong and too keen to be a mistake. And he has given me a longling for rest and peace that must be a guide for who he wants us to feel with each other. I know my place, do you know yours? The questions becomes would you want this? Would you want to reorient yourself and your community to the needs of the minority populations in your area? Man, i'm starting to feel like i am calling you to integrate your church, lol. Is this from God? More prayer definitely needed, but i am just writing what is flowing, lol. I guess that is for you to pray about and see just what God wants for you, but he doesnt send me places unintentionally, lol. But the leg work has to come from you. If you build it they will come. You cant wait for them to come to build it. lol. They have nothing to come to. I just get this glorious picture of your church! The building superimposed with images of the growing number of black Cal High students walking home alone, and memories of how lonley high school was as a minority. Does this mean i can prophesy? crap i gotta go look this up, lol! ~~STOP TO READ WHY NOT WOMEN, BIBLE AND PRAY~~~i'll come back to this later~~~

books that need time to digest

2005-09-02T07:03:00.000-07:00

I am reading The Life of Pi and i noticed that i need to take breaks from reading it, rather than speed thru it like i did with...say...Harry Potter books, lol. This is one of those books that needs digesting. Books that give me something other than just entertainment (i.e. books on religion, society, race) i like to savor. I dont want to just scarff the book down, i have to savor each bite. Let it rest on my tonuge, so i get all the flavor it can give you, and then swallow. But i dont want it to speed thru my digestive tract and "that's it." I want it to move slowly, filling me with nourishment and satisfaction. To let all the riches it has be absorbed into my body to fuel me. Such is a good meal. Such is a good book.

i grow weary of this blog

2005-08-03T01:02:00.000-07:00

well blogging is no fun when i am trying to avoid thinking about how i feel, lol. But i can never journal for very long before i poop out. perhaps this is just where i flake out.

email i just sent to my congressperson

2005-07-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

Arguing about whether abortion is right to wrong is a waste of our time and energy. Abortion is not the problem, the staggering number of unwanted pregnancies in America, IS.
I cannot understand how politicians can continue to play this game where we count the reversal of Roe vs. Wade a "victory" or where we imply that anyone is "PRO-abortion." As if a section of the American populations actually thinks abortion is a pastime they want to encourage! [scoff, scoff.] Making abortions illegal does not "fix" anything, it wont lower the number of abortions Americans have, it will just make them easier to IGNORE, while politicians gloat about how much "good" they have done in saving these unborn children. But since the "problem" is unwanted pregnancies, there will still be those who need to find a "solution." Coat hangers come to mind. Let's invest our time and energy changing this world into one that loves, honors, and respects women and girls. Then we would be able to teach our children that they deserve, and are capable of finding, relationships that are more satisfying that one night stands. This means attacking advertisements that blatantly tell young men and women the opposite, encouraging parents to spend less time making money to waste on material goods and more time telling/showing their children how special they are. etc.

It is sad how i assume that sending this email will accomplish nothing. We, as Americans, have so little faith left that our thoughts matter to our elected officials. We know that politics is all about politics, and not about us or the health and well being of our nation. I don't know what i am asking for, but please give me something to hope for, or believe in. Because this country cannot continue like this: with finger-pointing, and band-aid solutions, we will destroy ourselves. I want so desperately to love this country...

Sincerely,

Leanne Ruth Alaman
Lover of America
and Disillusioned at 23

i never write when i am feeling great, lol

2005-07-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

so things are going great, blah blah blah, it's just funny, this thing is my venting place, not my documenting place, so it's quiteone sided. but...lol... tonight as i am going in the grocery store, there is a family (mom, dad, 2 little girls) sitting outside with a sign asking for $$$. And i attempted to get cash back to give to them, but the card wouldnt let me, :( so i asked if they were thirsty, "yes" so i offored them their choice of orange juice or cranberry juice. While i was still in the store i wanted to get something for the girls, a highlights mag. or coloring book or some little toy, But i didnt want to get them something and have their parents get mad/feel bad cause of the various reasons. so i prayed and listened to see if God wanted me to get them anything, and the response i got was that i dont have to save them. it's not my job. I did decide that i would ask if i could help with anything, i figured maybe i could come home and look up a family shelter or something, and someone else had already referred them to one. But apparently a lot of places split the family up. kids in one place, women in another and men in yet another. Good to note. that sucks. But when i got home i realized this is why i am going to school. Because i want to help in a signifigant way, not these "here's some change," or "blah blah" in passing, sort of ways. So yes, going back to school so i can help the little girls, who need art, and love, and freedom from the stress of being around parents who are undoubtedly stressed.

So back to school i go, la la la. i love you, you know i do.

i love uncle harold

2005-07-11T23:57:00.000-07:00

to be read in a sing-ie way
iiiii love uncleharold, iiii love uncle harold, ii love uncle harold, iii love uncle harold!
Back to being "Leanne, awesome 23 year old." lol, only took a week to get back, ...but that is pretty good. used to be longer. Looking forward to/NOT looking forward to therapy with mom tomorrow. I'm not in the mood to be launched back a week. But i might be able to disconnect from their opinions enough not to take it personally at all. that'd be awesome. I think i'll bring my tiger, just in case.
I love having an Elijah to fawn all over me. hehehe, it is great! Nice to be loved so demonstratively, lol.

learning from the past not being defined by it

2005-07-11T00:53:00.000-07:00

i'm so sick of feeling shitty. really sick of it.
please lets get out of here.
i am strong
i am confident
i am capable
i will not fall
i will not fall
i will not fall
and if i slip i will catch MYSELF
i will catch myself
i will catch myself
i WILL catch myself
DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

movies that feel REAL

2005-07-10T22:16:00.000-07:00

it is so odd that these movies make me feel less lonley. Even though they are about F'd up people, and sad things happen, the emotions are written/portrayed in a way that is soo accurate and on such a deep level of awareness that it is almost like connecting with a real person. almost, well, a pale simulacrum, but definitely better than nothing, lol. It just occured to me they all contain level 3 communication which is prob why i feel connected when i'm watching them.

~Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
~The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
~I Heart Huckabees
~Garden State
~The Incredibles lol, tho i dont know if it fits the above criteria, lol, but it makes me feel less lonley

Are We the Dining Dead?

2005-07-10T21:20:00.000-07:00

i wish. i am feeling isolat-y and....hungry! oh i'm sooo hungry. less food than was listed before. hungry, hungry, hungry. I didnt go to Summit cause i want to be alone, isolated, and not thinking. not needing, or wanting, oh God, not needing. not needing, not needing. Watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, trying not to be hungry, have i eaten today? oh yeah, 2 hot dogs. eeech. movie, movie, movie, dont think. watch movie... lol,

tried scavenging for money, cant find enough for anything. I could use dad's giant container of pennies. but he might get mad. but i would like that, lol, passive aggressive attack. oooohhhhh, grrrrrrrrr!!! ahhhhhh...

wow that was a big minute of frustration. lol. did i snap out of it when i realized that i am feeling stuck cause i asked mom for money for food and she said no. And then, i felt....damn , i dont know the word like "well FINE i dont want anything for you anyway!! I dont want anything from you." And then God tried to say something and i snapped at him with a "i dont want anything from you authority (parentified) figures!!!..." And i remember thinking an "i'm sorry" to Him. But here i am, stuck, not wanting help, but needing to feel supported/ taken care of. If My parents cant take care of me, how can I? *tear* If they dont want to take care of me, how can i? *disconnect* ...watch movie, dont think...watch movie, dont think...watch movie, dont think...
---------------------
couple hours later and i decided to take the chane and go toa coinstar machine and get food with the money, The machine was full, the other store's machine was full and no other grocery stores in the area have coinstar and are open late, lol, pathetic. i cant even steal money to get food. ridiculous.

OH P.S.

2005-07-09T11:11:00.000-07:00

i talked to chris thursady night. it was hardly a big deal. i suppose it was more important to say to myself (and believe), all the stuff about me being awesome and him being wrong. lol, yeay self confidence. lol.

p.s. my parents can kiss my natural black a@@

PARENTS JUST DONT GET IT

2005-07-09T10:26:00.000-07:00

Sat Jul 09, 10:29 AM ET
by Leanne Alaman,

pleasant hill, Sources show an expected rise in Leanne's "What the F@*#" quotient following a conversation the young woman had with her mother early Friday morning. Leanne reportedly sat very still, contemplating what to feel and how to respond. She was unable to come up with anything at the time.

Leanne is a 23 year old woman with an undoubtedly bright future ahead of her, if her past endevors are any indication. She maintained a forward-looking perspective through out her rocky childhood. A girl with an undeniably kind heart, Leanne set certain codes of conduct for herself early on. These were obviously self-inspired as none of the adults around her had modeled this behavior. And through out a tumultious childhood in a neglectful and abuseive family that transitioned into a neglectful and abuseive step-family, Leanne remained committed to diligent self-improvement and self-awareness. Her emotions finally frayed into a sever depresssion after her sophmore year of college, where she was bombarded by more racism than she knew how to handle. That betrayal by her percieved "friends" and parentified college institution, was coupled with a severe sexual assault. Those two betrayals were paired with the loss of her Nana, a woman Leanne often referred to as the "one person who loves me and shows it in a healthy way."

When the enfeebled Leanne returned home, she was met with the pull your self up by the boot straps idiom, though she was too tired to explain that she had been forced to pawn her boot straps for the energy to drive herself home from college. While no one appreciated her efforts to work through her problems she continued undaunted. Resting her heart in the possibility that one day she would be capable of giving a recieving love. While her siblings were rewarded with approval and cash, Leanne was regarded as something too failed to be mentioned here, as this is a public amaptheatre. Despite refusing to turn to drugs, sex, or other means of avoidance for support, Leanne remained unacknowledged and underserved.

In the present day Leanne has decided that parents are a waste of energy to train and lay hopes in, and perhaps balls of shit would be a better investment of time and energy. Balls of shit, having the intrinsic ability to change over time, growing various types of florea. Parents she notes have only the intrinsic ability to "leave me in the lurch, and piss me the @#$% off"

But while Leanne had been so obviously under appreciated, she took comfort in thoughts of the future. A future where, she was sure, a person could check one's parents into a disreputable nursing home and banish thoughts of them to the part of one;s mind reserved for computer passwords, where the car keys are, and other information never to be found again. This world she hopes will help to fill her with a satisfaction known more commonly as revenge. "Fuck them. I dont need them anyway" and other lies commonly leave her lips but she is confident that one day such sentiments can become realities. ~

so what's in it for ME?

2005-07-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

> note: i am going to be snarky and un-Zen, lol <

ohhyeah, i remember that now, hph. You love that phrase dont you?
So Chris just called (to critize me) hph. "Just call. dont make it such a big deal!" Well you are the one who didnt call me back when i left a message, and YOU'RE the one who freaked out every time i poped into your head for 2 MONTHS!! "So if you want this why dont you make it easy for me? by doing it like this or that?!" Well, what's in it for YOU, is an opportunity to rise above the BS and heal some of your issues, what's in it for YOU, is an opportunity to be gracious to me, what's in it for YOU, is the smug superiority you can feel when i stand up for myself and assert my right to feel unapologetic for how i feel and who i am, WHICH, you nagged (ordered) me to do INSESSANTLY! oh, my poor little Chrissie, you are so stuck in your shit, arent you? that's me feeling smugly superior, lol, i better get all this out of my system before i talk to you, eh? So blah blah blah, you are a jerk, blah blah, who needs to grow up...a lot, blah blah blah. $20 bucks says you dont call me back to set up a time to meet me, lol. $20! You have to be scared, you felt unsafe and out of control, so you set a huge boundary, a complete cut off, to regain control or the upper hand maybe. And you tell me what to do in an attempt to control and make yourself feel superior, but i am asking you for something you obviously dont want to give me, access to you. Not your defense mechanisms, or your walls, but YOU: the man you were for those months, the man you are afraid to be. So will you grant me access to this man? can you? we will see, i certainly hope you can and do. We cant always give people the things we want to give them but i want to give myself the gift of standing up for myself.

You dont want me to make this into a "big deal." But i am just acknowledging it for what it is. it was a big deal. Did you forget all the intimate details of you and your life you shared with me? Of course you didnt. That's your motivation for all this...? To play down how much you put yourself in my hands and trusted i would handle you with care. You must want to play down our relationship because maybe it became more than you wanted and you didnt know how to back out maturely. You just got that fight or flight response and felt unspecified doom would occur if you didnt get a way immediately. I know that feeling, but i dont let it steer the car anymore. It drives, avoiding obstacles that arent really there, and i want to live in the REAL world now. It no longer feels safer to avoid even the imaginary pot holes in an effor to cover every possible base. Just exhausting. Sooo exhausting. *sigh* Oh why cant you come with me? I know you would like it here. It's so much better to live a life being spongy and soft-even with the occasional stabs, than it is to be a fortress and never know rest or intimacy. come with me. i know you could if you wanted to. We cant always give people the gifts we want to give them, but GOD, i wanted to give you this!

grrrrrr....but what is, is. The only person i can help is myself. And i will save myself. I have saved myself. And for that i am eternally grateful. Thank you Jesus, for your restoration. 3333333333, lol.

thank you.

sophisticated communication

2005-07-02T00:10:00.000-07:00

{a rough idea of one way/perspective to be aware of how we relate}.

Level 1- we share or talk about stuff out there in the world {the weather, sports, bosses, politics, etc.}

Level 2- we share about what is happening for us. Our story. Can be events and/or feelings. This can be intimacy {in-to-me-u-see}.

Level 3- we share about how we feel and are relating with our partner. our feelings&needs within the relationship. Our appreciations, responses and delights.

wow, that's cool. i think i agree. Because the most sophisticated connunication i have been involved in, involves being aware of one's self and on's s***, and the other person and their s***, and being able to communicate with compassion and attempt to see where the other person is coming from when you are deep in your own feelings and need them validated. It is hard to agree to validate someone else before they validate you, lol. hard. i mean when you are deep in your own past hurts, you are really IN deep. and to be aware enough to step back and see that, and make the adjustment, is really sophistcated.

i'll do whatever i wanna do!

2005-07-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

lol, i'm ridiculous. well first off kudos to me for going to the tribe party. not cause it was good, but cause i said i wanted to go and them proceeded to talk myself out of it, lol. Too far to driiiiive, dont have anyone to gooooo with, probably feel uncommmmfortable/awkward, gas cooooosts too much, whatever! But i said i wanted to go and i didnt have a (good) reason not to, so i went, da**it! take that, ability to talk myself out of doing anything! And i can do whatever i want when i'm there, i decided. if i wanna leave 2 min's after i get there, fine! and if i wanna sit in the corner and doodle, sure! and if i wanna pretend to be on fire and run around screaming, well then guess what i'm gonna do?! mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! And while the fire-faking wasnt actually necessary, i DID sit in the corner and doodle for a while, lol, cause i wanted to! And it was great! it was liberating! Throwing off the shackels of what i think i am supposed to/or allowed to do. It is lovely. lol. Nice to be free. Rather than standing around trying to pretend that i am waiting for someone, or that i am on uncomfortable at being there alone when everyone else came with people, i sat and doodled, lol. And i did walk up and talk to a number of people and it was fun, but i only want to try to connect with people for so long before i get tired of trying. Cause other people dont alwyas try back, lol. So yay, for me, i did something i wanted to do, that could have been uncomfortable, or embarrissing or whatever. Or that could have left me feeling really alone, and isolated, as being in a group and not feeling connected to anyone can do. But it was cool, and i did fine, yay for me heehee.

frustrated

2005-06-30T03:51:00.000-07:00

you know what i mean, lol

i hate this! This horrible feeling of un-fulfillment. I sometimes wish i hadnt learned what it is like. It's harder to miss something, want something, long for something, when you havent had it.
hahaha, stupid. but now i am stuck feeling a need and not being able to satisfy it. Or really, choosing to wait for what i REALLY want rather than settling for, compromising my integrity for, something less. Which i know wouldnt really be satisfying. i am too aware of myself to be satisfyed by the same shallow simularcums other people are. So i wait, and stew in irritation, with this D*** splinter under my skin, writhing in agony, but waiting for tweezers, rather than taking drugs to numb the pain. lol, so i make this choice willingly, freely, heart-feltly, and irritatedly, lol. The only option for me but not the only option i have access to. A dilema but an obvious choice. *sigh* *laugh*

oh life! How you amuse and irritate the heck out of me!

2005-06-18T15:20:00.000-07:00

~funnyness~

Adding manpower to a late project is like getting nine women pregnant in hopes of obtaining a baby in one month.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.

the problem with talented writers

2005-06-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

is that if they are really ingishtful and honest then they can write a book that is really depressing in its depictions of dysfunctional family relationships and interactions. lol. dang.

we have no food!!

2005-06-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

growing up, my mom always insisted that that wasnt true, we just werent looking hard enough. or something like that, so i wonder what i am i missing. TIME FOR A LIST. *note: guestimations of time are based on the knowledge that it is june which is the 6th month and we have had this stuff since, before December/last year.

ALL THE FOOD IN MY HOUSE:

things in boxes:
-1 oz box of onion recipe soup mix--from that day i wanted onion dip
-6 oz box of Stove Top stuffing mix dad bought for thanksgiving i think.
-15 oz box of Sun Maid "natural california" raisins--getting sick of them i've eaten half the box
-7 0z box of ZATARAIN'S black beans and rice, i cant believe we have been eating this almost literally every day since i moved in 2 years ago, but i't GOOD, it's hard to get tired of it. Is "crack" one of the ingredients?...thoevery couple months i cant stand the thought of having to eat it one more time...
-32 oz box of fine granulated sugar--for dad's coffee
-5 floz box containing bottle of McILNENNY CO. tobasco sauce

-box containing 2 packets of Night Time Max. Strength flu, severe cold and congestion, lemon flavor--i know but it was in the food cabinet!

oh my god more raisins!

-12 oz mostly empty bag of Sun Maid "natural california" raisins--i think this has been in the cabinet since i moved in *barfy face*

-12 oz can of "Peanuts" containing... a bag of raisins?! whaaaaa??

-10 floz can of HEINZ canada fancy tomato juice--uugh.

-10 oz half empty package of Chinese noodles--from when i couldnt eat stir fry one more bloody time 2 weeks straight with the same soy sauce, sugar and onion powder sauce, was more than enough!

-Container f Mixed nuts that dad refills as it runs out.

-26 oz circular box of iodized salt

- 1lb can (it doesnt look like a pound) of Jellied Cranberry Sauce--probably a 2 for 1 sale back at thanksgiving, dad cant pass up a buy one get one free deal, even if we dont need (or WANT) 2.

-1 lb can of Campbell's CHUNKY new england clam chowder a soup that eats like a meal --uggh. hate clam chowder both may parents forgot to pass down their love of it to me (thank you GOd!)

-3/4 oz Mini Babybel original semi soft cheese--musta been leftovef from a catering plate from work

-16 floz Jar Best Foods REAL mayonnaise

-7 oz plastic "bottle?" of NESCAFé Taster's Choice Gournet Roast--coffee ugh.

-10 floz bottle of soy sauce--no more stir fry with soy sauce sause!!!! aauugghhh!!!!

-5 floz bottle of KIKKOMAN (well that's not what's in it now!) soy sauce that has a cool pour-ie thing--it is refilled by the aforementioned 10 oz bottle

-12 oz can Don Francisco's French Roast--coffee again?! >:(

-8 oz Irish Cream non dairy creamer--hmm, coffee? in this house?

-12 floz bottle of Red Wine Vinegar, hardly used, what did we ever use this for?

-14 oz (and that's too much) can Whole Leaf Spinach--isnt the pic on the label there to make the food look "GOOD?"

-12 oz can Chunk Light tuna--in water-- oh tuna how i love you but i cant eat you plain day after day either. But since i only get you occasionally i suppose i cant loath you since you free me from ZATARAIN'S for a couple days, lol

-7.5 oz -mostly empty save a few kernels and kernel dust- jar Dry Roasted Sunflower Kernels

-8 oz Seasoned NO SALT salt alternative--sooo gross, it is NOT a resonable facimile of salt, lol

-8 oz Lawry's Seasoned Salt--oh good no MSG! blech.

-4.12 oz ground cinnamon--i had to save up my money to buy a 4.12 oz cinnamon!--pathetic!

-3.12 oz "garlic powder" container containing peanut? mixed nuts? crumbs--?????

-3 1/8 oz Morton Salt Substitute--my dad has a thing with salt, lol, i had to buy the container of regular salt, lol. salt substites tase horrible

-4 oz ground black pepper

-2 1/2 oz JANE'S krazy mixed-ip pepper seasoning -yes K-r-a-z-y, (?)

-2 12 oz bags of Rainbow rotini--for our occasional deviation from ZATARAN'S, to pesto chicken pasta, which would be great except you can only eat pesto for so many consecitive meanls, good tho it is, lol, and the chicken is gross--dad days it's dark meat but i have had dark meat before that didnt taste so...bad.

-14 oz package of instant noodles-from when i was trying to find good noodles for stir fry, i havent thrown in away in at least 6 months since heaven forbid we thorw away food that is old or inedible cause....who knows?!! That's just the way we do things, living from a place of deprevation makes it hard to throw away even things you dont want or need. but i am really gonna just throw these away, lol

-14.7 oz Instant Oatmeal DELUXE COLLECTION (it's not a set of encyclopedias, "collection"??) containing 1 of the original 10 packages--neither dad nor i apparently like "baked apple" flavor --i ate one once out of extreme hunger, :(

-12.5 floz Northern Comfort, pure maple syrup--from dad's flight somewhere where they make pure maple syrup

-1 qt 100% pure vegetable oil

-HUGE bag of individual packets of coffee and single serving cups of cream

ON TO THE FREEZER!! TALLY HO!

-30 oz Ore-ida country style hash browns-half empty

-2 of original 8 frozen mini corn on the cobs so old i should have thrown them away at least 4-6 months ago

-12 oz frozen berry mix--from my failed experiments making smoothines-you need more ingredients than i can ever get $ to buy

-16 oz frozen pineapple--same as listed above

-2 16 oz frozen stir fry vegetables with asparagus--cant....eat....any. ...more...stir...fry

-zip lock bag containing tiny piece of ....sausage? gotta be 6 months old

-2 Van de Kamp's crisp and healthy breaded fish fillets--so old i shudder at the thought--not properly closed--i ate one once regardless cause i was so hungry and i got kinda sick, lol. i cant believe i never threw them away. it actually never occurs to me to do that, i have picked up a lot of weird habits from my dad.

-1 ARMOUR borwn'n serve sausage patty-from when amy spent the night at least 6 months ago

-half gallon THRIFTY Pistachio nut ice cream- eww, soggy pistachios.

-3 bottles of water- frozen for dad's sports escapades

-lots of ice cubes

THE REFRIDGERATOOOR!!

i'm actually kinda scared. lol, i'm afraid of what will be in there, lol

-1 unopened and one mostly empty 15 oz tub of Brummel & Brown spread made with yogurt, by the makers of i cant believe it's not butter-its' actually good, the yogurt part sounds weird but it tastes normal

-10 floz jar of dill relish

-1.4 oz Grey Poupon dijon mustard --adorable. it's tiny

-1.2 floz Dickinson's real mayonaise--hehe

-18 floz KRAFT miracle whip light with an easy spread cap!

-12 floz BRIANNAS home style dijon honey mustard dressing-dad's fa. salad dressing, it's ok i couldnt stand it at first but they say "hunger is the best seasoning" lol

-32 floz Nestle Coffee Mate french vanilla coffee creamer

-24 oz southwest salsa HOT--i like the mild, the hot has a different taste but dad likes the hot

-8 oz mustard

-half eaten 8 oz PLAIN (ugh) yogurt fat free--???? why eat half and why eat plain? the plot thickens...

-sicilia lemon juice in a lemon shaped bottle

-6 floz CRYSTAL louisiana's pure hot sauce

-tiny bag of...for the love of Pete...raisins!, lol, but they are yellow raisins, came with a bag of salad i believe

-ketchup-packet -looking foil, HEINZ mayonnaise

-ketchup-packet-looking plactic BLIMPIE "special" sub dressing

-bag of 36 1 oz string cheeses that taste funny. possibly cause i meant to get skim and got part skim but they tasted kinda like they werent fresh and i had bought they pack that day. ???

-14 oz LUCERNE whipped light cream--one of the few constant foods in the fridge--dad likes him some iced coffee with shipped cream, lol

-32 floz Nestle coffee-mate Irish creme coffee creamer

-32 oz peled baby-cut carrots--so old they should have been thrown out months ago :-& had to look up the emoticon for barfy face, lol, i will have to go back and insert it in

-32 oz LUCERNE shreded colby jack and monterey jack cheese

-small pot of ZATARAIN'S--i'd eat it but we lack tortillas and it is hard not to be sick of it when it is plain

-32 oz Tomato Ketchup

-16 floz Raspberry Vinaigrette dressing

-empty four pack box B&J margarita flavored malt alcohol cooler

-6 pack of 12 floz Michelob lager

-7 oz MONTEREY PASTA CO. Pesto sauce

- 4 lbs THE BUTCHER'S CUT chicken breasts with rib meat

-18 LUCERNE large grade AA eggs--i got sick of omeletes too, eggs are really easy to O.D. on. i actually get a little sick to my stomach when ever i think of making scrambled eggs

-couple slices of moldy bread i threw out

-tiny container of ZATARAIN'S red beans and rice or somthing i threw

-2 hardboiled eggs

-2 of original 3 lbs JOHN MORRELL smoked sausage--fancy word for hot dog, they are really just hot dogs that are a little spicy--i have been eating them most days since dad bought the pack, then when they are gone we will eat Z every day until it's gone and then back to the "smoked sausages" and then back to the Z and so on. And that's dinner.

-New addition to the fridge-12 oz bag of Fresh Express salad blend--mostly the whitest parts of the ice berg lettuce, lol

-bag-o-brocolli--i'm not a fan of brocolli tho

-head of rotting iceberg lettuce

-3 avocados--yum :)

~THE END~

so what's in YOUR fridge? wink wink, hahaha, Studly Neal you know what i mean, lol/

so while it's is not true that we have "no" food, just that they food is largely garnishes and condiments or things that come in a package which means we lack rawingredients that can be combined into an array of dishes.

OTHER PROJECTS

2005-06-17T17:10:00.000-07:00

TO DO LIST:

i'll never do them *roll eyes"

~*~Illustrate figures of speech. play game where people have to discern the figure of speech from the pic

~*~Post cards / greeting cards that say whatever the &*#$ i want them to!! bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!! maybe "thanks for being dysfunctional. I reminds me how well i am doing." or "Happy To-day"

~*~Kill myself, "i am having,,, a BAD day!!"-sandra bullock in 28 Days

lol

hell

2005-06-15T21:47:00.000-07:00

in the book Bee Season the protagonist says something to the extent of, maybe Hell is being stuck in one moment. (obviously an unpleasant one)
And it makes sense to me. When i am like i am today, nothing concrete or specific to look forward to, and unable to enjoy the moment, life becomes this grey expanse that because of the nature of grey can be airlessly and overhwelmingly huge, or sweaty and pressed-up-against-you claustrophobicly small. Ahhh, the colorless world, THAT'S hell. Overwhelming in its expanse yet painfully small and shortsighted.

funny how i feel better when i think about how ridiculous and contrary my feelings are, lol. maybe cause i do it in a non shaming way now.

~LEANNE HAS SPOKEN~

NEW PROJECT

2005-06-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

i found a site where this guy makes art based on titles anyone can send hi. And i sent him some but i realized that my titles are too good to share! lol, so i should do them myself. we'll see how it goes, lol

*beep boop bop boop beep
*the unbearable burden of being horny --someone else made that up, i cant take credit, lol
*leanne spelled the RIGHT way
*it all comes down to the things i never really wanted
*losing my mind. wanna watch?

The Unbearable Lightness Of Being Scared

2005-06-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

Scared might not be the right word, but i suppose at the heart of everything i am, i AM scared. But in this instance i think it is slightly different than fear...lets m-w it....ok SCARED is: thrown into or being in a state of fear, fright, or panic. That is definitely too sever. ok let's see.... shrinking, apprehensive, timid, unconfident in my own abilities. Afraid that i might be more capable than i will know what to do with. How can i be as capable as i am if i have no government authorized documents proving it? Well, i have a heart, and i have a soul and i know how to use them better than most. No, not better, i am just more line-drive-single minded in my commitment to honor them, and all others who share these gifts as well. A heart and a soul. a heart and a soul. a heart and a soul. And i want to use them. i want to use them for You, and i want to use them for me and i want to use them for all the little and not so little kids who are not being shown or who are being blatantly shown the contraty, that they too have a heart and a soul, and how special that automatically makes them. How beautiful, and intelligent, and kind, and gentle, and joyful, and silly, and compassionate they are. How deserving they are of love and respect, of cherishing and praise. I know that the only way out of painful feelings is to make it "ok" for yourself to feel them and that it's "ok" to be wherever you are in your journey to spiritual growth and enlightenment. And i can catalog the motivation for ever thought and/or action i have/make. But alas i never completed a course in either american history from 1965 to present, OR statistics! oh wow is me! i am sooooo not qualified to nurture children!
BITE ME!!!

~LEANNE HAS SPOKEN~

THINGS I CHOOSE TO KEEP

2005-06-09T23:29:00.000-07:00

i'd hate to imply that you all havent given me more wonderful gifts that i want, than gifts that i dont want. 33333

THINGS I WILL KEEP FROM CHRIS:
*confidence that it is ok to say "NO." and YES!!!"
*confidence that it is ok to have a sexuality
* ~the idea that i am beautiful~ this one i will truely cherish
*blunt statements to not take it personally, and lots of practice, lol, I now have it pretty much mastered, and this is not sarcastic. i needed this skill, the acquiring of which has allowed me to be FREE. love,love,and love
*insight into the fact that i am (in some ways) afraid of women
*more people who i love, and who love me
*knowledge that we cant always give people what we want to give them, and that that's ok, because what we think they need may not be what they actually need.
*insight into how far i have come in my ability to love myself, to forgive myself, to not shame myself, to feel pride in myself, to TRUST myself
*~I TRUST MYSELF~ thank you for your part in that
*confidence that i am awesome in relationships! i have all the difficulties i expected i would have, but infinitely more skills!!
*
*
*

--too tired. finish later--

THINGS I KEEP FROM DAD:
*the idea that you ALWAYS look out for/provide for family
*a commanding presence
*a desire to have a job i LOVE
* self control
*

THINGS I KEEP FROM MOM:
* knowledge that it is never too late to make amends, to change, to grow, to find yourself. never too late.
*

BE AN ADULT!! AND DO IT EXACTLY THE WAY I TELL TO DO IT!!

2005-06-09T22:59:00.000-07:00

i cant be the only one who sees how ridiculous this is!! lol I cant be an adult AND let you tell me what to do and how exactly to do it, mom and dad! lol
It doesnt work that way!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
But i am being quite grown up. I've identified the ways that i am being subtley ********** and i am choosing not to believe the lies. I am capable and responsible, and mature. And, it is obvious to those who are not clouded by their own issues. thank you very much! So, *sigh* i choose to give you all back your inaccurate/misguided assessments of who i am. I chose that phrase for Chris but i works for the rest of you too, lol.
who's list should we do first? dunno, we'll start with Chris' since he was here first, lol. --to be updated as needed--

THINGS TO RETURN TO CHRIS:
*innacurate assessment of who i am --mostly just this, i guess
*subtle implications that my feelings are "wrong" or "bad"
* subtle implications that i need to be "taught," like a child, the ways of relationships/the world
*idea that i expected something that wasnt reasonable, rather than just saying that what we had is something that scares you. and so it is no longer what you want. Dont pretend i created something in my mind that didnt actaully exist! YOU CARE ABOUT ME, despite that fact that you dont want to. Dont blame me because you dont feel safe caring about people and dont pretend that i am naieve in my belief that adult relationships contain communication.
*
THINGS TO RETURN TO DAD:
*innaccurate assessment of who i am
*blatant statement that i am not "responsible enough"
*criticism for not being "adult" enough, closely followed by loud insistances that i do things his way and not rely on own (demonstrated)capabilities
*the idea that i am not beautiful
*the idea that nothing i do is "good enough"
*

THINGS I NEED TO RETURN TO MOM:
*innaccurate assessment of who i am
*feelings of rejection when i DO act like an adult
*fear that if given what i need, i will get LAZY *grrrr*
*bird nest analogy. I'm already OUT of the friggin' nest!!
*mistrust about my ability to not break things
*
*
*

ridiculously happy

2005-06-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

i am. how strange. I guess it's just that when i am happy i'm out living life, not on here writing about how happy i am. lol, thus an illusion is born. Also it occured to me that i feel "manic" in that i am having all these ups and downs, but that's just cause i snap out of it so quickly now. I dont spend a month feeling depressed, it's just a day, or an hour. So what could be viewed as a bad things is actually progress. MAN! has that been the heading of my life as of late!? lets do it again, so we remember.

~WHAT COULD BE VIEWED AS A REGRESSION IS ACTUALLY THE TRIALS OF PROGRESS~

Uncle Harold: The smartest man EVER

2005-05-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

boy i wish everyone could have an uncle harold. He's always patient, loving, and full explanations about how great the world really is. It is impossible to hold onto a grumpy mood when someone is enthusiasticly cheering you on for having "failed" at something. lol. yes, always with the cheering. lol. So i am not a failure. I am just encountering the frustrations of being an adult. And THAT'S GREAT!!! Cause i have been working really hard to become an adult who feels like an adult. Cause being an adult who feels helpless and overwhelmed.....well, it just sucks! So here i am. I have arrived. And in case i forget, i asked for this. lol. But back to the point. I have not failed, I have tried some new things and they didnt work out how i hoped, they didnt work perfectly on the first try. Well that's not so bad! Signifigantly less depressing than telling myself that i have failed and fallen back too many steps. Still here. Clearer about what i want and need. And more aware of the many things i do WELL. So now what??? lol, Lists. Yes, lists, cause i have vhanged and have not intentionally sat down to clarify the changes in what i want/need. Clarify, ya, that's what it is. I need clarification. Clarification so i know where i am going, and more importantly where i want to go. So let the listing begin!!

~LEANNE HAS SPOKEN~

losing my mind. wanna watch?

2005-05-29T15:30:00.000-07:00

lol, but i am done losing it i think. Man! I am SO an external processer! Cause feelings can lie and imply that they are larger than they really are, or that they will be moving in permenently, lol. But out loud i cant lie! lol, I cant respond that "yes, i DO think that i will feel this way forever, and yes i DO believe that circumstances never change and so i will be in the same frustrating situation when i am 40." Cant lie! That sounds ridiculous out loud and make me look insane when i see it in print.lol. So Thank you to all the wonderful people who listened to me vent my frustrations, and validated them. And thank you for letting me be frustrated and sad as long as i needed to be. And thank you to all of you who helped me change my perspective from one of failure to one of appreciation for how far i HAVE really come (far enough to GET to deal with these kind of frustrations!!lol) and how much farther i will surely go. It's nice to know that i am transitioning, not starting over completely.

So thank you and i love you,
love, love, love, and love,
Leanne

Email from Fri.

2005-05-27T19:06:00.000-07:00

*now with creator commentary!!*

me: i'm in a lousy mood, i dont think i would be any fun to be around
me: 23, i'm a mutt, african american, native american, german, spanish, russian, polish, possibly cuban and irish, but in America i am usually identified as "black" a convenient watering down of the truth
other: i love it...i am very multicultural...and i agree with tiger woods calling himself a cablinasian...so...u c ...i empathize wid u
me: thanks, i am feeling ridiculously cranky tho, i dont think i can pretend to be human right now,
other: i understand...if you're not interested in meeting me anyway...that's also fine...i honor and respect tastes and choices and am non-judgmental...
me: thanks, i really just feel angry and mean. And i dont think i have the energy to pretend otherwise, lol
other: thats really fantastic...you are being honest with how u feel....i feel honored that u can share this with me...i happen also to be a life consultant...i help people out with clarity and guidance...only, if they ask me...
me: i could use some guidance, what do i do until i can get paid to do what i love?
me: i cant do the soul-depleating retail jobs anymore, i have no tolerance for it
other: sounds like u have done these same ole things u are familiar with over and over again...except that NOW u have a little more confidence in your abilities and self-knowledge and would like to move towards being paid for what u love
me: i have always had jobs i loved, i made myself a promise, but the jobs i used to love i dont like anymore. And i am qualified to do what i want, but not visibly so.
other: what do u mean "but not visibly so"...are people at work critisizing your work performance?
me: no. i want to work with kids. And most places want someone with a BA, which i havent finished. But all the work i've been doing growing, instead of taking classes and regurgitating info, is what would qualify me to work with kids and be a real asset. But without a degree, org's wont even inerview me.
other: amen...u are absolutely right...this however...is how the job marketplace for the majority of people works....the focus is on hiring someone based on their paper credentials and not so much on the more invaluable field experience or other non-certifiable skills they have for the job....the good thing is. their are possibilities out there that we might not already be aware of...the most important thing while all this is happening is ...how u are breathing with it all..
me: well aside from the escalating depression, i'm handling it well, lol other: wonderful way of coining that...high with low...try not to label the mood or state as negative or positive for NOW. (that was good to remember) ..look at it as though in hundred years from now...nobody will even remember or care about your "predicament"...the Chinese have a choice of looking at both sides of a coin...its either a CRISIS or an OPPORTUNITY... (felt annoyed at that, i tend to worry that that line will lead to invalidation.lol) u chose how u wish to see it...remember...this is not the first time in your life that you felt the world outside wasn't jiving with you (that hit home. TRUE TRUE TRUE)
me: no i'm not just being cute, i'm dealing with some massive depression, lol, but not because of the job situation, that is maybe a small part of it. But i suppose you are right. Tho i am in need of more than a perspective change, i've been dealing ridiculously well with the issues going on but i am slowly losing ground. But that's what therapists and cute cousins are for and i am happy to say i at least have those two things, lol
other: why do u say "massive"...
me: (had to stop and think about that for a while. kinda stunned. occuring to me that it is not actually "massive" in that is is much much less sever than where i was 2 years ago, THAT was massive, lol, but still needing to say that how i was feeling was big, and real,.... and hard!) cause i am not eating much (string cheese) and spending more and more of the day in bed, and feeling heartbreakingly lonley( i lost my best friend to his deranged coping menchanisms) and not caring that i am descending into a more and more depressed state (which is always trouble)and i havent been this bad for a long time, so if it's not massive YET i am worried that that is where it is heading.me: i suppose i am just afraid of ending up where i WAS, which was massively depressed
me: and now i am better, but living in fear of ending up back there(iiiiinnnteresting. that fear is still lurking there and is still very strong, good to note)
other: why are u afraid of 'ENDING' up there?
me: cause it was more misery and helplessness than i can handle, lol, tho i suppose that is not true since i "handled it" already. (got perspective? lol) Ok, (re-group) i had to leave college and live with my dysfunctional father and i hate being dependent on him, because he doesnt "believe" in depression, and doesnt see me for who i am, and he doesnt say he is proud of me or loves me, it is very stressful living with him, i just want this all to be over (nothing i said sounded like a big deal, but then why do i feel SOO bad, i wondered)
me: i just feel stuck, and feeling this stuck lands me in depression (ahhhh, that's more of it, the stuckness, good job detective leanne)
other: that is a very good description of what you're going through...do you think that you'll be stuckkkkk forever ....or this is only something temporary? (damn!! truth rears it's persistant head, lol)
me: the more i write the less this sounds like a big deal, but i am really just desperately lonley, and frustrated because the 2 volunteer jobs that fulfilled me ended and i am mouring the loss of a lot of stuff that i have been working to let go of. stuff i didnt want but i guess i had gotten used to having around, (yeeaah, i know kid, 3333) and it feels like it has already lasted forever, lol (and boy does it sometimes!)
me: but that's depression for ya, looking at the world thru a straw--you can only see a tiny part of it (already feeling better, stronger and less confined to my straw)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
me: but hooray my ex-bestfriends family called and want me to have dinner with them, how did you do that???
me: but i have to go get ready, yay companionship! thanks for listening to my griping, i actually feel better, and thanks for the perspective, lol, it's hard to lie out loud and say that i think i will feel lousy forever, lol (yeah, lol)

i cant pretend to be human right now

2005-05-27T18:10:00.000-07:00

i just wrote this and it is surprisingly funny. Cause me in my crakyness is utterly, and unavoidably, human. lol. And yet i seem to think that being all stepford is what humanity is all about. looking good, acting friendly, smiling at the appropriate intervals.... But really the ugliness is humanity. Not to say that humanity is only the ugliness, but certainly the fact that we are flawed and prone to ugliness is essentially human. lol funny.

who AM i ??!

2005-05-27T15:38:00.000-07:00

i cant believe i am here again. i've sunk so low. geeze, i havent been like this for a really really long time, *sigh* But at least i have a stupid blog chronicalling my slow descent into insanity...i mean depression. Depression?! My old friend, how have you been?! lol Hunting me? Oh that's lovely. Oh and you brought the kids!! How are little Anger and Cruelty. Oh yes i am sure they are!! I HAVE been feeding them a lot lately, so they SHOULD be growing up nice and strong!! Yes, yes. lol What a lovely reunion!! It's so good to see you all again, i was so happy without you, oh yes. lol. No, no! you're right, we cant have THAT, now can we?! Oh my no, that wont do!! lol. Well SO good of you to come back!! lol Yes, so nice to be amongst old friends again!! lol, oh my yes, These new friends i have been hanging out with are nothing like YOU. I've felt so CALM and *shudder* LOVING!!! I can hardly say the aweful words aloud!! Oh so good of you to remind me where i REALLY belong:here with my family, Depression, Anger and Cruelty!!!lol So good of you to have come back to me. I had begun to think i would never see you again!! lol But i should have known BETTER!!! lol You'll never leave me?? Oh how comforting to hear you say that!!lol, You dont know how hard it was feeling so GOOD all the time, so light!!! Oh you did??!!! You brought my Burden back too??!! Oh how these old shoulders have missed carrying it around, lol, oh my yes!! Oh!! Has it grown!!?? lol It has??!! Oh how lovely!!lol How lovely that it has put on so much weight!! We cant have these shoulders getting "soft" without our daily hoisting of the Burden, oh my ,no! lol So why did you see fit to come back for a visit?lol Oh to stay forever?!! How lovely!!lol I invited you, you say??!!! I dont remember that, but how lovely of me!!lol How thoughtful to have noticed your absence!!lol Oh my yes, i always was one to notice when i was getting off too easy, wasnt i??!!Oh but you MUST come in and make yourself confortable, oh yes!!lol i wont have you standing out there in the cold, come in!! Come in!! Make yourselves at home, take up root in my little heart!!!lol Oh my yes!! How i've let you down, all this decluttering, all this messy growing up!! I've left you alone, let you down!! Oh my, oh my! And after all you'd done for me!! Oh my, how i've let you down!! When i was little you were my only true, faithful companion!! And i left you behind!! Who was with me when times got rough?? Depression!! that's who!!! And who was there to remind me how cold and unsafe the world was when i imagined venturing out?? Cruelty!! That's who!! Oh Cruelty you were always there to remind me that failure was inevitable!! You always saved me from trying to DO something or BE something!! Something that could have ended in failure or mocking!! You kept me energized with your neverending stream of "truths." Were it not for you i wouldnt have known how hideous i really was, how incompetent and ugly!!I stayed isolated and SAFE thanks to you!! And Anger, without your tutiledge i never would have been able to keep my strength going despite cruelty's fuel!!! Cruelty supplied the "truths" but YOU!!! YOU supplied the focus!!! Were it not for you i couldnt have known the infinite ways i could be punished!!! Without you, my relationship with Depression would not have been as successful as it was!!!lol Thank you!! All your ideas, the cutting, the eating, the walls!!! Oh the glorious walls to Depression's glory!! How those walls kept me safe!! And when a wall was too WEAK, who knew who to blame?? You ALWAYS knew it was my fault!! Even before i did!! You were SO strong, and i did my best, b--- NO you're right, my BEST wouldnt have failed!! SEE!!! Even now you keep me in check!!lol Oh how i've missed you!! I've gotten soft!!, Soft and lazy, lounging in this idea that my "BEST" is good enough!! HA!! You always kept lies like that at bay!! If i fail, it obviously wasnt my BEST because it wasnt ENOUGH, and i let everyone down with my innadequasy!!!! Yes!!! I remember now!! lol Oh but those walls!! So TALL, so COLD!!! How they kept people away!!! They were IMPOSSIBLE to miss!!! Or missunderstand!!

Oh so good to have you all back!!lol We are a family once again!! And this time i will try not to f--k it all up, but we all know i will!!!! Dont we??? lol. Of course we do! :)

There's beauty in the breakdown

2005-05-25T03:35:00.000-07:00

And thank goodness, cause i think i'm breaking down. lol. As i sit here watching Garden State and feeling like i just want to be loved. *so let go, let go, cause there's beauty in the breakdown.* aaaaaauugh!!! someone love me! Make me feel special, make me feel beautiful, make me feel wanted. Cause i cant seem to do it on my own. Someone....

i miss my frined,
i miss my Nana,
i miss feeling whole.
and i'm tired of trying to hold it together,
*so let go, let go, and trust that i will catch you*

fine, here it goes....

this message brought to you by the letter 6

2005-05-24T14:43:00.000-07:00

i typed this in an email and i liked it:

I know the international body language signs for both Einsteins theory of relativeity and for when you go off on a tangent. I have read the Illiad, but in english, and i kept falling asleep, so many lists of names! lol, i havent finished college for reasons that delve into the traumatic, i was almost a philosphy major but i love art too much, lol, i want to be a child art therapist, i like encouraging people since most of us are better at criticizing ourselves that appreciating ourselves, i wear size 12 shoes, which is like an 11.5 in mens, i complusively doodle, i love psycho-analyzing everything, i like to know why i feel how i feel, and where it stems from ,so i can act consciously and avoid repeating pattens of behavior that hurt me or other people, i love childrens books for their humour-illustrations-and complex thoughts explained simply, i volunteer a lot since i cant seem to get paid to do what i love, i need a new pair of glasses but dont have the money, lol, i lost my old ones in a field, lol, i am trying to do more things that scare me, i have always wanted to go to the beach at like 3 in the morning and jump in and yell at the sky, i am lonley, i am calm, i am happy, i am mourning the loss of all the crap i have recently let go of, pain i didnt want but perhaps had gotten used to having around, i am joyful, i am releived, i am full of love for my 2 year old cousin, and the rest of the people on this planet too, lol, i am silly and goofy-sometimes simultaniously!, i am proud of myself, i am proud of others, i am tired of listing things, hahaha, THE END

feeling too emotionally drained and sad for this shit

2005-05-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

So as i sit in my mom's front yard copying quotes from my old delapidated quote book into my new one; quotes by gandhi and mother theresa about love and compassion and responsibiliity to others; i am blindsided by the hurtful talk of my mom, step-dad and their friends. Talk about the decline of their neighborhood due to low income housing reserved for migrant farm laborers. Not so much how they feel scared but about how "those" people live and judgement calls about "those people's" inherant worth. (or so it feels to me) My favorite aunt and uncle, live near one such housing project. And, the recently saw a kid, maybe 14 years old, with a gun at the park next to their house. That's scary. But when i said that there's not way to prove the kid lived in the low income housing, that that was an assumption based on prejudice, my uncle agreed. But here my mom sits, making the unfounded claim that the kid was one of "them" despite the fact that a drug dealer lives across the street from her, in this mostly white, upper middle class, "safe" neighborhood. Where the cheepest houses cost $500,000. And their friends have parked their beheamouth of a gas-gizzling car in our driveway apparently oblivious to the fact that money could be spent helping kids get out of gangs, but is instead, spent on wars for oil. And, what exactly are any of us doing to help this situation? We complain that our neighborhoods are being run over with "hoodlums" and "wanna be gang members" but who is responsible for creating and condoning a world where there are so many kids with, no love, no encouragement, no quality schools or sports or hobbies to take part in? Do they care that we as americans have set up a shit system for migrant farm laborers? A system that could, if we cared, be changed? What do we expect kids to do with the frustration, pain, and anger of living in a country where people degrade us because of the color of our skin, or our social standing? We expect them to have no feelings about the issue at all. Or to "help themselves", "pull themselves up by their boot straps." But what if they are too poor to buy boot straps? What then? So i hear all this frustration and judgement in the wake of my own sadness about racial issues and i feel too drained to take it. I want to yell at them and cry, and plead for them to be nice, to stop complaining and put the energy into doing something POSITIVE, for these kids, which would lead to something positive for them; a safe neighborhood. But why do that when we can whine and turn our frustration into assumptions and generalizations? i feel angry and vengeful against everyone, lol. And so when i read this later i am sure i'll have to change all the places where i made generalizations and assumptions about the people i criticized for making generalizations and assumptions, lol. But for now, good for me for getting up and walking away. It is good that i no longer feel like i have to sit and suffer thru conversations that are hurtful to me. Yay for not being frozen, for being free to move when scared or hurt. And thank you God for the patience and compassion i will have for these people who are just scared, not evil. Just scared.

addendum to previous post

2005-05-20T23:48:00.000-07:00

"Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves." ~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I offer you peace.
I offer you love.
I offer you friendship.
I see your beauty.
I hear your need.
I feel your feelings.

My wisdom flows from the Highest Source.
I salute that source in you.
Let us work together for unity and love.
~Gandhi

if everyone's lonley, why are we lonley?

2005-05-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

lol. That's a stumper. So many blogs of sadness, so many people on the internet hurting and looking for compassion. One guy who takes the bus everyday and wants to talk to people but listens to an iPod instead. It got me thinking, what if we made this world safe? Safe like if you were having a bad day and you looked sad, the woman next to you on the bus, would ask how your day was going, and she would actually CARE! She wouldnt just be asking cause it's the polite thing to do, and you could say you were having a crappy day and feeling like a failure and she would ask if there was anything she could do. And instead of automaticly saying "no" (we hate to ask for what we need, lol) you would look kinda sheepish and say "a hug?" and she would give you a bug warm hug. Not one of those hugs where the person is trying to burp you, but a real hug. And then you would feel better for having a connection. Such a lack of connection. Despite the booming number of ways to communicate with people, lol. Yay Challenge Day! Thank goodness for programs that teach us how to be human, lol. This whole things makes me think i should just start talking to people. Not about the weather but about how they are doing. but would anyone actually engage? They'd have to be skeptical, am i trying to sell them something? preach at them about "Hellfire and Damnation!" Would anyone actually believe that a complete stranger cared about them, just because we are both human beings? Regardless of race/sexual attraction/social status/shoe size, whatever?? I wonder.

In other news:

2005-05-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

In other news i am awesome! Back when i was friends with J, i lived in constant fear of the day he (inevitabley, i thought) would realize that i *wasnt worth the time* he spent being my friend. Now i am calmly and compassionately dealing with someone who suddenly doesnt talk to me for 2 months and i am not freaking out! ???? Ohmygosh! i'm growing up. lol who'da thunk it? Thank you Uncle harold, thank you KP, thank you Mary Ruth, Thank you Mom, thank you good people at Mt. Diablo, lol, thank you all for all you've given me which has allowed me to be the person i am now. Cause she's pretty awesome, hehe. And SOOO calm...!?!? it is wonderful to feel compassion and love and not bitter resentment and insecurity. so much happier, so much lighter, so much less neurotic, lol. Thank you GOD. You rock!

sarcastic and cranky

2005-05-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

oh i am such as A**. I got a paycheck and spent it on thngs i need/want. Awfull things like gas and oil for my car, books.......groceries?!! Oh vanity thy name is Leanne!! how could i be such an insensitive J***? Well here's how mom: When i live for months in a panicked state of deprivation, the things i need and/or want accumulating like flies, by the time i get some $$$, it goes quickly!! Sorry i had to have integrity and quit my job, but that's what i was supposed to get out of all this: that it's ok to say "NO." That's been a theme for this year, lol. But why do i have to feel like an a-hole for buying things i needed and some things i wanted? Yeah, yeah i'm horrible, thbbbt!

helllooooo racism

2005-05-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

So it's too late to get into this but for the love of Pete! Ok i hate "gangsta rap" too but whenever and old white man goes off on how freedom of speach would not have included "shouting filth in my kid's ear" i have to stop and say JUST gangsta rap???? Hello??!!! most things on the radio are filth. And comically enough i have recently been unable to listen to oldies cause the constant "you're so mean to me but i love you anyway"s and "you treat me badly and make me cry but i'll never leave you'd cause you need a woman like me"s that i want to puke! Hello abusive relationships! And while i cant stand mainstream rap for its high "filth" content i dont single it out as the only problem. All mainstream music is teaming with filth, lol, geeze, just cause you can rally white conservatives around a shared fear of all things "black" doesnt mean you HAVE to, lol. And as i surf the netways for people to meet and befriend, the sheer number of people who say "no black people" or who list an interest in very group, except Af. Am's is staggering. and the "they just dont get my sense of humor" line is creepy. Do you tell racist jokes?? If not you cant assume (tho you are already making a *** out of yourself) that every black person wouldnt "get" your jokes. Grow up.

sniffle sniffle. It is too late for this crap. thbbbt!

the prodigal friend returns...well calls

2005-05-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

In due season i will speak, not out of season*In truth i will speak, not in falsehood*For his/her benefit i will speak, not his/her loss* Gently i will speak, not harshly* In kindness i wll speak, not in anger* ~Buddha
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Must remember, must remember, must remember, lol. What do you say to someone who quite suddenly wanted nothing to do with you? Someone who seemed infuriated by your very existance? That hurt. And i think i am angry. But heaven forbid i should be angry, right, lol. My job is to put other people's needs above my own, thereby ensuring that i am not a *burden* so they will like me and not feel like i am a *waste of time.* Man, i wonder how many years it took me to commit that way of thinking to mind, and heart. I'm 23 and i've felt his way for as long as i can remember. If i figured it out by age 6 (which i am sure i did) that means 17 years of practicing this and getting myself into situations where i could play out the scenarios out that *prove* the lie. Will it take me 17 years to undo the damage? No, i doubt it, i have made great strides toward ridding myself of this lie, it wont take 13 more years to finish the extermination, or should i say clensing, lol. That's more loving, lol. So what to say, what to say? So many motivations competing to be the winner. Motivations: lust, need for friendship/closeness, desire to play out lie, desire to do opposite of playing out lie, curiosity, desire for closure, Desire to be mature and Uncle harold-like, lol, fear of getting swept up in dysfunctional relationship i.e. it happened once= shame on him, if it happens again it's my "asking for it." Or at least my refusal to say "this is not what i want." I'd be a CO-conspiritor, if not the ring leader. I am confusing myself, lol. BACK TO THE POINT! ONWARD TALLY-HO!
Ok, what DO i want? I at least want to ask for an explanation, if for no reason other than to maybe get to say that i was hurt, and it didnt feel ok for him to direct that much rage at me, cause it couldnt have all been mine, lol. So we will talk to him, yes? YES. And we will see how it goes. But we dont want to sign up for a relationship where these extreme highs and lows are the norm. We are trying to live in the middle, and the lack of huge mood shitfs has been relaxing. I dont want to replace MY extremes with someone else's. No i do NOT. That is definite. I need some degree of consistancy and stability in relationships since i want to be able to rely on others and have them rely on me. And maybe he cant provide that, or doesnt want that. Good thing to investigate, all. And can i do a half-assed version of what we had? Do i want to? A shallow, watered down version of a relationship that was quite deep? Why would i want that? my thoughts immediately chime in, lol. I guess i dont. But a complete cut off seems harsh, seems extreme. But like i would want to have a friendship where there wasnt meaningful conversations and personal expression, that's what i am annoyed that i cant find. Why accumulate relationships that are unfulfilling? Where i feel like i am holding so much back? Until it gets to the point that i realize it is not ME in the relationship, just a shallow simulacrum. A shallow simulacrum of who i think they want me to be, or more accurately who i think they are comfortable with me being. Dont rock the boat, conform, conform, lol. That's my relationship with everyone at SUMMIT, lol. So letting go is hard, but holding on to things i dont want is hurtful, especially when what i am holding onto was hurtful to begin with, lol. (i need an abbrev. for chuckeling or snickering since i am never laughing out loud, just doing an amused humph) hph it is! So here i come Uncomforable Situation! Armed with a vague notion of what i want and much apprehension and fear of being treated roughly. hph. HERE I COME.

soooo close!! aauugghh!

2005-05-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

I was watching Michael Eric Dyson talk about his new book IS BILL COSBY RIGHT? OR HAS THE BLACK MIDDLE CLASS LOST ITS MIND? And he was making well thought-out, intelligent, compassionate points and then he did it: he said that the pain of poor people is more valid than the pain of rich(er) people. DARN IT! As soon as you go there, the conversation is dead. NO ONE'S PAIN IS WORTH ANY MORE, OR IS ANY MORE VALID, THAN ANY ONE ELSES!!! i know it seems like the people who are being victimzed have more "important" pain since the "opressors" seem like the "BAD GUYS" but it's over-simplified BS. People oppress and hurt because they are hurt. Does that justify it? NO. NO. A thousand times NO. But it doesnt mean that we can brush aside or scoff away their feelings as if they were 2-dimentional characters who are "evil" cause that's what they were written to be. The minute Mr. Dyson scoffed at the idea that rich(er) af. am.s might feel "afraid" to publicly discuss the issues they (Dyson and the interviewer whose name i forget-she was cool tho) were discussing and retorted "what about poor blacks, THEY arent welcome anywhere" (or somethig to that effect) he stalemated the discussion. Yes poor blacks are justified in their feelings!! YES. YES. YES. and thank you for demanding that they/we be taken seriously and validated, but we cant INvalidate the feelings of others to feel validated ourselves. There is enough pain for everyone, trush me, lol. No one's pain is made less valid when someone else expresses pain. No one's suffering is worth more, or is more important. How often do we hear people say "i never saw it coming. he was such a nice, QUIET boy."?? People suffer no matter how they seem on the outside. And those that need help the most, those who are in the most danger of snapping, may be the ones who have money, or who look "normal" and yet we cast of their pain with "what do you have to be upset about?"s, since they have money. But only monents before, we made the point that money DOESNT bring happiness, that that idea is a lie! But then we use the lie to invalidate those we are jealous of because deep down we believe (or want to believe) that the lie is true. That those who have money cant complain because they have money, and therefore should be happy. *sigh* Rich people hurt like everyone hurts. Does that mean they have THE RIGHT to hurt others? NO. No one does. But if we judge who is deserving and who is not, based on social standing, we have just done what we are probably argueing should not be done: Judging people and their value as human beings based on how much money they have. Just say NO.

more self-pity from the edge

2005-05-17T19:21:00.000-07:00

man, i am really in a funk! I quit my job cause apparently i no longer care about helping customers in a retail of retail-like scenario. The interractions with customers are infinitely less satisfying than working with the homeless kids at YEAH! or doing art projects with kids in JuVe or nurturing the amazing kids at Explorer camp. The depth of relationship of the latter was so much more satisfying than having done a good job of making sure can lables are all facing forward. Dont get me wrong, i know the seriousness of the situation. Without properly faced cans the world economy as we know it would collapse under the weight of people having to look harder for what they want, but at the end of the day knowing that i had impacted people and having been impacted by them, satisfied a hunger i seem to have had all my life. This D**** desperate hunger to be close to people and to provide for them the way i wasnt provided for. And, helping kids feel appreciated and aware of how amazing they are, helps heal the part of me that hurts because of my lack of that kind of interraction with my parents. There were people in my life that supplied me with glimpses of how beautiful i was, and i want to make sure that other kids get to have that person in their lives. Plus my co-dependent tendencies are satisifed when i feel like i am "needed" by people. lol. But facing cans and superficial chatting about the state of the weather or world, and the need for paper or plastic just doesnt do it. And D****IT! I AM TOO YOUNG TO WORK AT A JOB I HATE AND FEEL UNFULFILLED AT. I HAVE MY WHOLE LIFE TO EXPERIENCE THAT KIND OF SOUL DEPLEATING CRAP. So i, instead, face the inevitable look of frustration-dissapointment-and annoyance my parents give me when i let them down ,yet again. *ok i am being mellow dramatic here, i dont let them down at lot, i just feel like they dont want to understand why i cant fake being happy and not depend on them for anything, like i used to.lol. But mom tried really hard to deal with her crap on the dependence issue and was actually quite supportive. I just am overly sensitive to ever subtle change and inflection of her voice.lol.* But that look appears, however briefly, and i lose my confidence that i did the right and integrity-building thing: "saying this is not what i want" and not pretending just to make other people happy. (But dare i say, make MYSELF happy? *mock gasp*) I lose my confidence in myself when i see myself the way i assume *uh-oh* they see me: falling down. Not as i actually am: moving forward. Sometimes going forward looks like backtracking, or going sideways, or walking on your hands, or going back to pick up your shoe, but some times you have to go back to fix a mistake and that IS moving forward! Cause if you continue along the wrong path you eventually have to back track to get on the right one. so the sooner you go backwards the more quickly you are moving forward. i wonder of that made sense, i am scared to go back over it to correct spelling errors and suff before i publish this, lol, lest it should sound like insane ranblings. lol. I am much more critical of myself when i write it down. In my head i know which voices are right and which are just adding the dialogue of DOUBT and NEUROTIC DEFENSE MECHANISM #1, and MAN IN HAT (lol) but when i write, i feel constantly compelled to make statements that prove that i am not really THIS person, this weirdo talking lol. It is scary writing down these thoughts that i know are not true: the doubts, the frustration, the criticism of everything, the crankyness, lol. I sound so immature on paper i think. odd. See? there was the voice who says "welllll, maybe that is who you REALLY are, and you are just afraid to see it....." but i usually cut him off after "welll, maybe..."

I always hear him coming. He is a big, lumbering fellow, this critical inner voice. You cant miss the noise of him running up after you, arms full of these little "gems of wisdom," these lies/insults, disguised as intelligent insights. Piles of paper with "wellllll, maybe...."s on them, spilling out of his arms, flying behind him like a hurricane. Now he is also dressed like a business man, he has a briefcase somwhere in his arm load. The hulk or the infraggable Krunk in a white collared shirt and grey slacks, that are both comically too small, lol. "Wellll maybe you ARE stupid!" he calls out after me, "wait i have a nother good one in here some where, gimmeaminute!.....aha! Welllllll, maybe you are the cause of all the worlds problems.....especiallyglobalwarming!!" he shouts in one breath as i speed ahead. and he and his hurricane get smaller and smaller. lol. "I'm the one who's stupid? Who's the one who cant even buy a shirt that fits over his grotesquely large linebacker neck???? huh?!?!?"" i shout at the ant surrounded by a whitish blur of wellll maybes. lololol. There!! a rant transformed into a silly story.lol i am ridiculous. Yay writing!!

2005-05-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

L laudable
E engaging
A authentic
N nascent
N noble
E egeria

nascent: coming or having recently come into existence
Which,, in some ways, i feel i only recently have. Age 18-23 have been non-stop growth years, and as of the last two years i feel like every month i have been reborn as someone new. the past year more like every week, and, as of the last 4 months, i am completely new again. lol that sounds like a lot of Leannes running around out there. we're multiplying like rabbits!

egeria: a woman adviser or companion.
yup, that's me :) anyone need to be advised or accompanied? companioned--accompanied, it was a logical progression in MY mind, anyway. lol

using my 6 year old decision making capabilities

2005-05-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

Like a toddler who decides what she wants and then will settle for NOTHING else (drop cookie on ground. When offored a new cookie not teaming with grass and germs screams "i dont want THAT cookie!!! i want MYYYYYY cookie!!!!) i seem to have decided that the only thing that i want, that will make me feel better is having my neck kissed. And since i have no access to the one person i feel comfortable having anywhere near my neck i am throwing an (overly-aware) temper tantrum, lol. "I dont want GOD or MYSELF to love and comfort me, (eventhough it is always more satisfying) i want my NEEEEEEECK kissed!!!!" It is new to view physical intimacy as an escape from dealing with my problems. And it is annoying to know that, like ice cream or TV, it does take my mind of stuff for a short while. Temporary relief instead of lasting change, sigh. lol. So i suppose it is good that i dont have access to this form of avoidance, since at the moment i am totally willing to give in to pleasant distraction. lol. I dont want mature responsible ways to deal with life, i want MYYYYYY cookie!!!, lol. So i spent all day savoring the cuddliness of my bed and pillow, and reading How I Became Stupid , by Martin Page. It is now my new favorite book. Tho on second ponederance that is really just my mellow-dramatic-all-or-nothing-thinking-exaggerated-response way of saying that i really really liked it. Because the idea that my inteligence is the cause of my misery and what keeps me analyzing rather than participating in life has occurred to me more than once. lol. And i say this in the least arrogant way possible. lol. tho it never sounds humble. lol. But what if i could make myself blissfull ignorant? Able to go with the flow of hating whoever we are blaming our problems on today, and REALLY, REALLY caring if Ross and Rachel get together, and not being aware enough of what i want and need in relationships that i'd be free to go around having random sex, oblivious to the fact that it is not really satisfying my desire to be loved, to be special to someone, to be appreciated for all that i am. Cause that's everyone's bottom line, deepest desire. I mean really,,, having adequate shelter would pale in importance to being REALLY, TRULY seen for who we are and seeing huge pools of acceptance and appreciation in someone's eyes instead of fear or judgement, or confusion, or avoidance. That kind of love, once we get a taste of it, is easily kept in exchange for food, shelter, security in monetarty terms. Because security in knowing that we are loved no matter what ugliness we see in ourselves, is a superior brand of security. So then why do i want neck kisses instead of this kind of love? I guess the immediacy of physical touch is powerful. Soul filling love from some force i cant see seems, in some ways, less powerful , less immediate, to one so tactilely inclined as me. Ahhh, instant gratification, you old dog. But what is it that it takes, that is is so difficult to give, that accepting God's love and support requires? Something that physical intimacy doesnt demand of us? Some degree of open-heartedness that comes when truly asking for my needs to be met. Vulnerability. But why/how more vulnerable than physical intimacy; that's scary. But i guess physical intimacy doesnt require letting a person see all of us, see every piece of our heart. Maybe it should, but it doesnt. Asking for what you need leaves the door open for a "NO" (implying "NO. i dont love you enough to do that for you." or "NO. i dont think you are worth that ammount of time/effort.") Yeah that makes sense. I guess asking for what you need physically isnt necessarily opening yourself up to that same degree of "NO." Unless you ask for something really kinky and get a disgusted grimace as a response, lololol. But still, i suppose like that toothless man i met in front of the grocery store while visiting Heidi, the idea that the most supreme being in the universe, our creator, our mother and father doesnt love is, or is dissapointed in us is a much larger loss than what a fellow child might think of us. Cause it is our own insulting of ourselves that hurts more than the cruel comments of others. You can say anything bad about me but it HURTS when i make the choice to think you are right. As soon as i say "maybe i am___ or ___" it hurts because we, like God know ourselves the most deeply, and know the lies arent true.So our defferrance to the side of thiose "against" us is a much larger betrayal. And we know just what buttons to push or soft spots to poke to hurt ourselves the most deeply. Thank you God for never abusing your deep knowledge of me to hurt me. Only comliments and encouragement, hugs and laughter. Thank you for that. Thank you for holding me and crying with me, even as i roll my eyes at myself for typing that cause it sounds sappy. BUT IT'S TRUE ,critical inner voice, so thbbbt! i love God and he loves me *sing song voice* so thhhhbbbbbtttttt!
and lo, i feel better, lololol, oh God you silly, you tricked me into listening to you!!!! You are crafty. Let me never claim otherwise, lol. Oh m and, i totally feel better, lol. But i wanted MYYYYYY cookie and with the love of a patient mother you tricked me into taking the better cookie. lololol

Am i alone here???? A whinny plea, born of frustration, lol

2005-05-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

Where are you people who are like me??? People who are not happy unless they are tackleing head-on some "issue" of ours. People who live to sit and psycho-analyze ourselves, our issues, or the issues of any one willing to let us? People who feel compelled go out and do good in the world by loving and nurturing anyone who needs it, which we know is everyone. People who feel so empty when we dont have really deeply intimate relationships. relationships where when something happens that is hurtful, we can say that we were hurt. And, just as importantly, we want to identify what the underlying issue is. Be it a pattern of relationships that mirrors our relationship with a parent, or a trauma that resulted in the creation of a defense mechanism or what-have-you. I want relationships where i can be dedicated to making sure that i deal with my own shit so it doesnt become "our" shit. Why is that so much to ask. That people deal with their isues so they dont lash out at those that care about them most. Cause sadly that's who's around, the people we love. I dont know where to look for you. And i am broken hearted that my friend let go. He gave up on fighting against the BS he grew up with and took it out on me. That wasnt what i signed up for. That wasnt the relationship i agreed to be in. *fighting against the voice that tells me i am being whinny and like some wimpering dumped girlfriend, lol* And i am sad because i want him to be free. So here i am back at square ONE. *forgeting to be appreciative, venting so easily leads to complaining and whinning* But, lest i should forget I AM grateful for the time i had with him. THANK YOU for that. Just, like with Nana, i just wish it could have lasted longer. When do i get to find the people that i get to be with forever? *frustrated. that sounds so naieve, like fairy tale thinking* It's been so long since i had friends that i could turn to and say "remember that time when.....?" Friends that you have been with so long that you have assigned chores at their house, cause you're there so darned often. lol. ALRIGHT. So it is a fact, i am lonley. What am i gonna do about it? I am NOT: going to go buy a pet, lol, they are good for love but i refuse to be that irresponsible a pet owner, lol. I am NOT: going to isolate. I AM............going to go to be already.

leanneishot was taken??????

2005-04-24T22:21:00.000-07:00

Oh the horror, i cant believe it. I am so depressed. lol
But YAY! other Leanne's who spell it L-E-A-N-N-E; the RIGHT way! And thus, another ridiculous name is born out of my inability to come up with anything that wasnt already taken, lol. Everyone with my email address knows what i mean...lol

uummmmm.......stuff about me...?

collage creatures: puddle bird

collage creatures: few random ones

collage creatures: hat or hair?

collage creatures: sad

collage creatures: room

collage creatures: flower with hat

collage creatures: sleeping under a shade tree

collage creatures: bugg-eyed

collage creatures: pink and crystal

collage creatures: mischevious

collage creatures: flower

collage creatures: beasts of burden

collage creatures: happy feet

collage creatures: kitchenware

collage creatures: country girl

collage creatures: runway

collage creatures: hiding

collage creatures: ice queen

collage creatures: wings

collage creatures: white

collage creatures: tall hair

collage creatures: the ham fairy

"homage to leanne as a child"

care

my body!

beauty

what you came to find

heart and home

if i had a million dollars

ilovemynose.com

i'm not overreacting

my request of thriftyfun.com

Dr. Slupchynskyj: profiting off racism

the prodigal daughter returns

my cyborg name

black people love us!

NOTES for letter to Summit

books that need time to digest

i grow weary of this blog

email i just sent to my congressperson

i never write when i am feeling great, lol

i love uncle harold

learning from the past not being defined by it

movies that feel REAL

Are We the Dining Dead?

OH P.S.

PARENTS JUST DONT GET IT

so what's in it for ME?

sophisticated communication

i'll do whatever i wanna do!

frustrated

the problem with talented writers

we have no food!!

OTHER PROJECTS

hell

NEW PROJECT

The Unbearable Lightness Of Being Scared

THINGS I CHOOSE TO KEEP

BE AN ADULT!! AND DO IT EXACTLY THE WAY I TELL TO DO IT!!

ridiculously happy

Uncle Harold: The smartest man EVER

losing my mind. wanna watch?

Email from Fri.

i cant pretend to be human right now

who AM i ??!

*There's beauty in the breakdown*

this message brought to you by the letter 6

feeling too emotionally drained and sad for this shit

addendum to previous post

if everyone's lonley, why are we lonley?

In other news:

sarcastic and cranky

helllooooo racism

the prodigal friend returns...well calls

soooo close!! aauugghh!

more self-pity from the edge

using my 6 year old decision making capabilities

Am i alone here???? A whinny plea, born of frustration, lol

leanneishot was taken??????

There's beauty in the breakdown